Synaptic Fireworks

It started with chaos, ended in color—and somewhere along the way, I found myself.

I wrestled with this one over two days. This doesn’t usually happen. I’m a quick painter. It’s normally a swift release of emotion onto canvas.

This one felt really difficult though.

I had no intention of painting, but somehow, I knew I had to. It was back in May. I was feeling extra restless. This was the first “result”. I absolutely hated it.

First attempt - hated it

It was difficult to even let it dry. I wanted it all gone. Had it been trash day I’d have thrown it out.

Frustration, anger, annoyance – you name it, I felt it.

It felt like I was about to explode. Both brain and body were ready to pounce. At what? I have no idea.

Each stroke had felt like a release, but the result left me deflated. It looked nothing like I wanted it to. Not that I’d had an actual plan. I just hated the color, the strokes, how the colors mixed because I was too impatient to let anything dry.

I was in a real state.

So, I destroyed it.

It came out of frustration that was growing inside and finally erupting in yellows and reds. It took seconds.

Completely destroyed it by painting over it in yellows and reds.

Did that make me feel better? Of course not – look at it. I looked back at what I had before and was trying to hit Ctrl + Z on it. I wanted to scream.

It was nearly midnight, and I had plans for the next day.

Did I sleep? Not really.

Was there negative self-talk? You bet!

And I was on a roll.

It was meant to be a reset, but it felt more like I’d destroyed real progress. Like I’d destroyed something beautiful I had built.

Digesting this took a couple of days. At that point I was still hating what I had done to the first attempt.

That’s when realization hit. I knew it wasn’t the end. It felt like my trauma healing journey. Back to almost square one.

I relaxed. Realizing I was okay. Realizing that I would be able to turn this into something beautiful. Something that mattered.

It was a flash of cognition. It was like a static release in my brain.

Erratic strokes followed. Bold colors. Frantic motion. Careful overlays because there was NO TIME to let anything dry with neurons firing in all directions.

My brain and hands working together to release what had been trapped.

Synaptic Fireworks by Evelyne Lüthy

When I stepped back moments later – I felt lighter. Almost like my mind had been put on canvas in color and motion. No words needed, really.

Synaptic Fireworks.